Facing fears

Tried to do my hair after my allotted time today.

So side swipe is what you get.

Last week I told my physical therapist that i quit.

emotionally i can no longer stand it, i can't seem to rebound the awful mood/depression it puts me in.

Physical therapy, costs way too much, i can do everything on my EXCEPT the shock thing that i dont think does anything anyways, and i have to go during WORK. I can no longer sacrifice my work time. Sorry, I have a full time job that i actually have to be at.

When i told her i was pretty much over it, she of said it was time to see an actual doctor.

...wait. Soooooo when im primary told me to come here, she thought you could fix it. Now that its been since the end of May, you are telling me i should see a doctor in sports medicine that, i dunno, SPECIALIZES in injuries? WHY fortheloveofcheese did i not do this FIRST?

That was my reaction last week.

Today is the day.

Anything could happen.

I emotionally drank and ate last night becauseimafatty

and now im in a foul mood.

but really.

I am terrified.

i have dumped my bad days on this blog before. complained, felt sorry for myself, etc. its been hard to not be running.

running is my passion.

its also how i keep on track.

i have pretty much yo-yo in weight since i quit running.

but now, i am just straight up scared.

what if i cant ever run again? what if im stuck with this horrible body forever? what if i cant loose the weight? what if i cant ever eat healthy enough? what if? what if?

Honesty.

i want to be 100% up front on here and in my own life, day to day.

whether its on days that i want to whine and feel sorry for myself for eating huge portions of pasta, or happy days full of fun and love with my better half.

Today, I am scared.

However, i want answers, i want resolution, i want to be RUNNING.

in case you dont know: last winter i trained for a 5K-10K challenge at the end of April. 5K on friday night and 10K on Saturday morning. About 5 weeks before race day my leg really started to hurt. This was the first time i had ever done cross training or run farther than a 5K. Lunges and Squats were my cross training, and i am convinced this is when i straining my groin muscle. It sounds stupid but it HURT. so much that if i moved wrong while sleeping i would wake with so much pain i was medicating. I pushed through, tried new stretches, stopped doing lunges and squats because it aggravated it. Raced. itwasaweful. took 5 weeks "off" went to my doctor and got referred to physical therapy in the end of May.