Honesty

I know its been a hot minute. I didn't want to write anymore, and didn't want to spend time on it.

When I first thought about writing a blog it was for health reasons. I hate my body most days. But i love food waaaaaay more. That being said, I could/need/should loose about 20-25lbs to get back to my 'wedding' weight.

Honestly: earlier this year i went to my doctor to talk about my anxiety. Something that may not physically manifest all the time, but i feel emotionally quiet a bit. My weight came up at that meeting. I had a follow up with a nutritionist. Which was all fine and well, mostly things i already knew. But i LIKE pizza and beer, mkay!?

My doc put me on anti depressants for the anxiety. They were...ok. By the end of this summer, i was done, i didnt feel any different. In the same week i decided to no longer take the prescription, i sat down with my spouse and told him some Hard Truths:

I hate my body, most days.
I cant imagine that you'd ever want me.
nothing i own fits right.
i never have anything to wear because of this. 

Things along those lines.
#1 thing i did was go buy some damn shorts. I had none that fit. and INSTEAD of constantly punishing myself for not getting into older clothes i just needed something practical that fit.
#2 thing i did, was admit some more hard truths:

I have not been 100% dedicated to eating right = 0% effective in weight loss
I have not been 100% dedicated in drinking less = waaaaaaaaay more fun had for me! 
I need to love myself REGARDLESS of what STAGE i am at in my body

I have some vicious white hair coming in, my eyes are baggy, my bones snap and pop, im getting closer to 30 everyday. You know what, THAT'S COOL! I have had a lot of life to live, so far! And i will say a lot of the pressure i feel about my looks comes from society, social medias, Hollywood, BUT i create that standard in my head from those, its me and my responsiblity.

So i quit some meds, i bought some clothes that fit, i told my spouse i needed support and reassurance in our eating/drinking decisions.

Fast forward just over a month later. I have felt better than i have in a long time. I am focusing on my experiences and having a good time, and choosing things i want to do and who i want to do them with. That's not to say i have had some anxiety moments, i have had two social situations, and one really bad time at Menards.

This is NOT A FREE PASS out of the staying healthy in my life. Yes, i need to stop eating a half gallon of ice cream every weekend. (frowny face) Or binge-ing on pizza just because its there. Moderation! Right now, I need to BE OK.

Honestly: I want to work on my house and enjoy it. 
Honestly: that takes up a great deal of time and energy. Read: late nights do not equal able bodies at 5am gym club time.
Honestly: i do NOT need a beer every night after working on the house or project :) even if I like it.
Honestly: yeah i still hate a candid of me working where you can see my huge gut.

But Honestly, the whole reason i wanted a house, was to work on it. And i spent most of the last year resenting that i never had time or energy. IT TAKES TIME AND ENERGY to be weigh-loss-healthy i.e. food prep, planing, shopping, gym time, research (lifting), class times at not ideal times.

I am ok. I am happy. I had more fun eating all the fried things for a whole day at the state fair than i did all month! And I'm ok with that.

Yes, i want to start running again. Read: when the fall actually comes
Yes, i want to get back into a gym routine.
Yes, i want to work on my house.
Yes, i want to LIVE LIFE.
Yes, i want to LOVE LIFE.

And, yes, I can do All of those things at any WEIGHT/SIZE! So why did i spend so much time being so unhappy??


this is just something that has been on my mind for a while and i wanted to put out there. its a bit cheesy, its a bit long winded. it may seem like a cop out. so let me say this: you do you, man. I'll do me. And right now, this is me, and I, personally, need to be on board with that.