Friday, September 5, 2014


I know its been a hot minute. I didn't want to write anymore, and didn't want to spend time on it.

When I first thought about writing a blog it was for health reasons. I hate my body most days. But i love food waaaaaay more. That being said, I could/need/should loose about 20-25lbs to get back to my 'wedding' weight.

Honestly: earlier this year i went to my doctor to talk about my anxiety. Something that may not physically manifest all the time, but i feel emotionally quiet a bit. My weight came up at that meeting. I had a follow up with a nutritionist. Which was all fine and well, mostly things i already knew. But i LIKE pizza and beer, mkay!?

My doc put me on anti depressants for the anxiety. They were...ok. By the end of this summer, i was done, i didnt feel any different. In the same week i decided to no longer take the prescription, i sat down with my spouse and told him some Hard Truths:

I hate my body, most days.
I cant imagine that you'd ever want me.
nothing i own fits right.
i never have anything to wear because of this. 

Things along those lines.
#1 thing i did was go buy some damn shorts. I had none that fit. and INSTEAD of constantly punishing myself for not getting into older clothes i just needed something practical that fit.
#2 thing i did, was admit some more hard truths:

I have not been 100% dedicated to eating right = 0% effective in weight loss
I have not been 100% dedicated in drinking less = waaaaaaaaay more fun had for me! 
I need to love myself REGARDLESS of what STAGE i am at in my body

I have some vicious white hair coming in, my eyes are baggy, my bones snap and pop, im getting closer to 30 everyday. You know what, THAT'S COOL! I have had a lot of life to live, so far! And i will say a lot of the pressure i feel about my looks comes from society, social medias, Hollywood, BUT i create that standard in my head from those, its me and my responsiblity.

So i quit some meds, i bought some clothes that fit, i told my spouse i needed support and reassurance in our eating/drinking decisions.

Fast forward just over a month later. I have felt better than i have in a long time. I am focusing on my experiences and having a good time, and choosing things i want to do and who i want to do them with. That's not to say i have had some anxiety moments, i have had two social situations, and one really bad time at Menards.

This is NOT A FREE PASS out of the staying healthy in my life. Yes, i need to stop eating a half gallon of ice cream every weekend. (frowny face) Or binge-ing on pizza just because its there. Moderation! Right now, I need to BE OK.

Honestly: I want to work on my house and enjoy it. 
Honestly: that takes up a great deal of time and energy. Read: late nights do not equal able bodies at 5am gym club time.
Honestly: i do NOT need a beer every night after working on the house or project :) even if I like it.
Honestly: yeah i still hate a candid of me working where you can see my huge gut.

But Honestly, the whole reason i wanted a house, was to work on it. And i spent most of the last year resenting that i never had time or energy. IT TAKES TIME AND ENERGY to be weigh-loss-healthy i.e. food prep, planing, shopping, gym time, research (lifting), class times at not ideal times.

I am ok. I am happy. I had more fun eating all the fried things for a whole day at the state fair than i did all month! And I'm ok with that.

Yes, i want to start running again. Read: when the fall actually comes
Yes, i want to get back into a gym routine.
Yes, i want to work on my house.
Yes, i want to LIVE LIFE.
Yes, i want to LOVE LIFE.

And, yes, I can do All of those things at any WEIGHT/SIZE! So why did i spend so much time being so unhappy??

this is just something that has been on my mind for a while and i wanted to put out there. its a bit cheesy, its a bit long winded. it may seem like a cop out. so let me say this: you do you, man. I'll do me. And right now, this is me, and I, personally, need to be on board with that.


  1. I think it's pretty awesome how reflective you've been about your emotions and what could be causing them - and it's super awesome that you shared it with Will and told him you need support! Yay marriage!! I also have some body image issues and enjoy pizza way too much (and cheesecake) so it is nice to hear others who struggle with similar things. (not that it's nice to have others suffer, just the not being alone part) Yay for self-awareness and reasonable goals! :)

  2. You go, gurrrl! Glad to hear you are enjoying life and finding the right balance! Life is too short to be miserable ;)

    I've been poking around your blog, btw... Thanks for letting me in on your little secret ;)

    I love how I can literally hear your voice as I'm reading. Love it! Keep it up :)